Hour Three
by Cara Hatch
I don’t know where I’m going but I know I’m not lost.
This knowing flooded my body and mind at approximately hour 3 of my Soul Walk. I was walking down a rocky hill in the middle of Murphy Hanrehan Park in Prior Lake, MN having already meandered through about 7 miles of hiking trails. I’m not the best trail map (or any map) reader and I’d never spent this much time solo, with nature before. I had about an hour left of my nature time and didn’t know where the trailhead where I parked my car was and yet, I was totally ok.
Feeling totally ok with not knowing something is an unfamiliar feeling for me. I like knowing things. I like knowing where I’m going. I like knowing what’s next. I like knowing the purpose of things. I simply like to know stuff. What I realized on the walk is that there is a difference between “head knowing” and “full body, heart knowing”. Head knowing is a justifiable confidence that you are “right” about something. Full body, heart knowing is an inexplicable, clear understanding that all is well even when answers are unclear.
At that moment on the path, I felt calm, confident, and completely ok with knowing that I didn’t need to know exactly where I was. I knew it was ok to simply keep walking and when the next trail map sign found me, I would pause, look at my options and peacefully choose the next path that called to me. This feeling of peace appeared in stark contrast to what I’ve been feeling for months now and probably longer.
I’m in what some call the “what’s next?” phase of life. I’m 43, gratefully divorced, a mom of two, in a supportive loving relationship, have a job I love most days of the week, and yet, I often find myself wondering, is this it? Wake up, meditate, workout, feed the kids, get the kids on the bus, work, figure out what to feed the kids AGAIN, drive to all the sports, go to bed, and repeat. Constantly. It’s like being trapped in that annoying “Groundhog Day” movie. I’ve been exhausting myself with the thought, there has to be something “more”. There has to be someone, somewhere, out there who knows where my personal trailhead is. There has to be a map. And, there has to be someone out there who can teach me how to read the map because I don’t know where I’m going right now.
It’s amazing how the head can simultaneously celebrate all the things it knows and freak out about all the things it doesn’t know at the same time. I spent the first hour of my walk stuck in that thought loop. I was waiting for something profound to happen because this was after all, my “Soul Project.” I was out there, in the cold, committed to 4 hours with nature without podcasts or music or company and for sure, the Universe was going to show up with some magical aha moment! But it didn’t. It was all rather mundane.
Walk up a hill. Walk down a hill. See a tree, see a rock. Look up at clouds, wish there was more sun. Find a sit spot. Meditate. Hear: “stop buying things unless you have a clear plan on how you will use it”. Really, that’s it? That’s the message of today’s “Soul Walk Meditation”? A Universal lesson in fiscal responsibility? I mean, The Universe isn’t wrong. It's a highly relevant message for me. I was simply hoping for something more “magical”. And therein lies the problem. I was trying to force magic to appear and that’s not how it works. It wasn’t until I settled into hour 3 that I “got it”. For magic to appear, you must be willing to surrender to the mundane and savor it.
It’s the awe-filled moment of a cherry red sunrise bursting through gray clouds while navigating rush hour traffic to the park. It’s a pileated woodpecker knock, knocking hello as you enter the trail and see you later as you leave. It’s a red squirrel imploring you to stop staring at her and just keep walking because she has babies up the tree. It’s a tree who asks you to stop and place your hands and forehead on her and when you do, you hear “stay true”. It’s a beautiful black horse named “Wildfire” who refuses to continue on the path until you greet her by name. It’s your teenage son opening up about big feelings on the drive to soccer practice. It’s your tween daughter thanking you for a “gourmet breakfast” because there’s fruit, bacon, and a bagel on the plate. It’s getting a surprise thank you gift in the mail from a co-worker who feels you changed her life.
It’s the peaceful knowing, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m not lost.
Hour Three is the Soul Walk Project of Cara Hatch, FTS Certified Forest Therapy Guide, Copper Beech Institute 2022 cohort.